finished; the dress series

I've been in the studio. Painting, and I'll confess, crying here and there, for about 3 weeks. Because I've working on something I've been putting off for a long time: the dress series.

the dress series

 These paintings have been nesting in the back of my mind for a long time now...I'd say for about 6 years. So why did it take me so long to paint them? It's simple.

Because I don't want to go there.

the dress series - "Invisible"

I don't want to go back to that time. But I have to if I want to paint it.

I was sick for a long time. From age 14 to about 20. And I still am sometimes. I know what it's like to be rushed to the hospital again and again--because you are going to die if they don't get you there. Literally.

the dress series - "Invisible" detail

For me, the balloon has always been a metaphor. I don't assume I'm the first person to come up with that. But like the balloon, there have been times in my life when it's been THERE. It's been all there is, and I'm just this insignificant girl in its background. I am just the vessel that carries the pain.

Then there are the times in-between.

the dress series - "Backburner"

These are the times when I'm better, but the pain and sickness are always there. They're waiting to sneak up on me when I forget to look, and mess up my entire life all over again.

the dress series - "Backburner" detail

And every once in a while, I'd say for a week or two at a time, I triumph.

the dress series - "Triumph"

I am invincible. I am the mother, the wife, the daughter, the friend, the artist that I've always wanted to be because my body will let me do what I need to do. My body will let me live. The devil lets go.

the dress series - "Triumph" detail

Those are the best moments of my life.

But by far the saddest story, at least for myself, is this one:

the dress series - "Prom Night"

I was well. I really was. And then I wasn't, that quick. Prom never happened for me. I suppose a lot of things never happened for me.

the dress series - "Prom Night" detail

So yes, I painted these paintings and I cried my tears. I know the story is sad...a lot of people have at least one sad story to tell. But you know what? This was positively cathartic for me. This is the first time I've allowed myself to paint something that was about my adolescence/teen years. This is a triumph of its own kind. I'm not the worlds greatest painter, not the most talented, but what I always am is honest.

And honestly, I feel a hell of a lot better.

<3 Brit