*Christmas, 2013*

Changes are happening, what I think will be good ones. I'll be homeschooling my son. The paperwork is filed and everything is official. I'm flying blind but I don't feel lost. I hope to write more in-depth about it later.

In my research about homeschooling, I came across an old thread about homeschooling on a low-income budget. Not only did it give me a lot of hope and incentive to begin, but I came across something a one woman said, something I love. I, of course, didn't save this page and can't find it now, but she said something like this:

"You create the life you want. It's YOUR life. I can't believe how little it matters to so many people. Make it happen if you want it."

Fly On the Wall.

How we spend our mornings lately: in my little art room, on the computer, learning to draw his favorite things. I watch. I have no idea why I look so bitchy and displeased in this picture. Achy? Hungry? Resting bitch face? I couldn't say.

Hit Refresh.

The husband and I went to the woods today and stayed there all morning. I took my shoes off and felt the ground radiating warmth for the first time this year.

We stopped at our favorite greenhouse on the way home, and wandered through all the beautiful flowers and leaves.

I initially wasn't going to go, due to my fibro being an incredible nuisance, but my better half convinced me to give it a try. I still hurt, but my soul feels refreshed, and that counts more than anything.

What are you up to while the sun shines?

At home.

1. Using the odd china for succulents.
2. Excited every time this arrives in my mailbox.
3. Collaborative drawing with the boy.
4. Pretty packages for pretty people.
5. Scrap-paper banner I recently made during one of our (many) school closings.
6. Chocolate-cherry-peanut butter oatmeal.
7. Tiny feet.

busy.

There's a lot of good here. If I can just focus on it, hold it in my mind. Hayden has friends to play with, who live just steps away. We have a second-floor porch that I'm slowly turning into a gypsy-ish, private sitting spot, to drink coffee or wine in, to talk into the evening. The tree's are close, allowing me to observe the birds. I've made friends with a plump, male cardinal. He likes to show off.

small and happy.

1. Painted rocks to place throughout the garden.
2. Black-out poetry, made late at night.
3. Nourishing our bodies with healthy, vegetarian food.
4. Coffee break.
5. Happy rug I found at the thrift store for $3.
6. Hearts from old watercolor papers.

all that's small and beautiful.

Lately, I am all jumbled, never really asleep, never really awake. I find myself up much later than I should be, painting or trying to write, or quietly padding around while my family sleeps, listening to house-noises I'm unfamiliar with. During the day I clean and unpack boxes, sort, donate or throw away even more stuff. Longer, sunnier days mean more porch sitting, and better chores done in the fresh air. Hayden flits around, back porch to front, then on his bike for a few rounds. I can't keep up with him anymore, so I stop straining to; I just watch him and guard him while he frolics. The husband is off at work for longer hours, beckoned by the sun. I miss him.

I paint, with music, or more frequently, in the quiet of day, with the house empty. I walk the hills and find trails, then wander back home achy and sweating. I collect feathers and leaves and strange rocks, and tell myself that they are omens and signs. I pray and am met by an enormous silence, both empty and full. I don't know yet what it means.

This is a strange time in my life. I'm not truly happy, and I'm not truly miserable. I feel a strong urge every day to keep silent, to watch. There is a lot of change happening.

xo

hey, hi!

I'm still here, you guys! Just trying to find my way through the madness that is this move. Things are almost finished here; organized, decorated, etc. All these gorgeous, sunny days we've had are actually slowing my process--who wants to be inside all day?

lately.

I'm still around, if only sporadically. Packing/sorting/trashing--these are the things ruling my life right now. That, and a child afflicted with the flu. Fun is not a word I would use to describe life right now. But still, I wake early and sit by myself for a while, with or without my bible open, and I try to start my day with prayer and thankfulness. This life is hectic right now, but it is not bad.

We get the keys to the new place this Friday. We're going to do some minor cleaning; mopping, vacuuming, and washing the windows. I'll go around and sketch out a rough plan for each room. Then it's just a few more days of this living in-between before we move.

a few things.

flower studies: watercolor and pencil on paper.

1. We will be moving into a new house, starting April 1. I kind of--okay, really--don't want to move, but the home we've been caretakers of for four years is being sold, so we don't have a choice. After scrambling around for a while, and viewing several hell-holes, we found a little yellow gem, just steps from the boy's school, and directly across the street from a church I've been interested in attending. If anyone on Facebook prayed for us, thank you--your prayers worked.

2. I have about a zillion small things in the works at the moment, making this upcoming move untimely. But when isn't a move untimely? I'm stocking up on my paintings, and hopefully, soon, prints. My aim is to open up my online shop, next year at the latest. I'm thinking of prints, a few originals, maybe some of my poetry art. We'll see. I also have plans to (finally) attend college, so the question will most likely be how much can I handle at once? Oh, and I'm also aiming for a few new poems a week, so far, so good. And I'm chest-deep in revisions on my older work. Writing query letters. And now, packing! (whew)

3. The husband turned 40. As corny as it may sound, he truly gets better with age.

4. It is said that we will get another snow storm tonight. I don't think I need to tell you how I feel about this.


What's new in your life? Any big changes in store?

to hunker down.

Enjoying these slow, quieter days before the new year. Days that are good for unmade beds, washing dishes to the sound of the radio, daydreaming, sketching and knitting, smoothies, lego-building, and unbrushed hair.

Happy new year to you all. xo

at home.

1. a nest my husband surprised me with.
2. banner I made late last night while listening to Billie Holiday.
3. coffee. Always coffee.
4. an old and favorite scarf.
5. sometimes I sit on the floor at a distance and just watch him. My favorite thing.

a hot mess.

This may or may not be a hot mess of a post. I have so much to say, but haven't decided if I'm going to say all of it. So I'm winging it, as usual.

I haven't really updated my readers (if I actually have any) on the status of my health. In an effort to keep it short, I'll give you the condensed version. I had minor surgeries and injections on my neck for basically the entire summer. My most recent procedure was just over a week ago. In an effort to find a procedure that gives me real results, I've had to go through all the ones that haven't first. It's difficult to tell if I'm seeing improvements. I feel just a bit better for just a few more days here and there, but it's still spotty and impossible to pin down in any discernible pattern. My neck is still highly irritated after exercising or practicing yoga or any remotely strenuous activity, something that I'm unconvinced will ever change. I've recently had the realization that I may never not feel like crap, which has fostered in me both acceptance and depression. I didn't think those two things could live together, but there you go. I've been put on a very low-dose anti-anxiety medication. I sort of waved my white flag, finally, and took what help was offered to me. I can no longer handle everything on my own steam, my own prayers, my own pep-talks. There are very few words left for prayer or pep-talks these days; I'm wiped out.

The husband is mostly at work. Or always, depends on which day you ask. September was absolutely brutal. High school sports photography + fall season = insanity. And not the kind that gives you killer abs. More like the kind of insanity where every day looks eerily similar to the day before and the day before that and so on. The madness will soon die down, both medical and work related, thank heavens.

If I sound whiny, I apologize, because I very well might be whining. I think we all need to whine a bit sometimes.

I'm stressed out.

Oh, also, my brother is getting married next week. Yes. So I've been planning and crafting my butt off for that in the midst of all the procedure-y, sporty stuff. I almost forgot.

On a different and mildly new-age note: I'm proud of myself in at least one way, which is that I've been doing what you are probably supposed to do as a human being to combat all this stress and crazy. I've somehow managed to make good, simple meals with lots of fresh, organic produce, and have even found some solace in cooking and making a beautiful dish. It's something that I can do. I drink my green shake (almost) every day and my tumeric tea. I'm trying to stay away from caffeine and get enough rest. I do some form of exercise every day, even if it's just a 20 minute walk. I've been doing my barre work and have been consistently practicing my yoga, but have had to tweak my routine quite a few times. There are certain poses that I just can't do right now or are very unsafe for me to even attempt. I meditate. I pray. I wake up early to read my Bible or simply watch the sun come up. I've let go of people that I feel are a negative influence, and have surrounded myself with those who strengthen me.

I guess I'm learning to overpower the negative with the positive, something that--guess what?--takes a lot of practice, just like anything else.

What else? Let's see...Hayden is a splendid child, and I mean that non-sarcastically. I delight in him. And my husband. I am learning to delight in the ones I love. My cup runneth over, and all that. Even on the worst days, I recognize that I am blessed.

I want to go to school. I want to be a midwife, but feel unready for that particular load of work right now. Any suggestions, my lovelies?

I want to have another baby. Not right this second, but V. and I have talked about it and are watching for that moment, the moment, when we'll know it's time.

I'm starting to actually enjoy myself while knitting, instead of literally grinding my teeth while I count stitches. Again with the practice.

I'm addicted to Pinterest.

I'm going to paint my kitchen bright-ass yellow, very soon.

I'm reading Gone With the Wind.

xo