Saturday, March 12, 2011

misplaced.

I'm about to whine. Ready yourselves.

I am twenty-four years old. I am a mother and a wife. I go to the grocery store, to the library, to the park. I make my rounds like anyone else. I just finished sewing a large, hobo-style bag. I just finished painting a canvas of some wildflowers in a vase.  I just ate toast with Nutella and had a late-evening cup of coffee--probably a bad idea.

Here comes the whiny part.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I know...as if anything else could make you feel more like a teenager again. The truth is: I am lonely. Oh God, I am so lonely. I'm sure that the real--and somewhat subconscious--reason I'm writing this is that I hope that some other stay-at-home-mommy, somewhere out there will read this and feel the same and comment and I won't feel so damn alone.

I've tried so hard to make friends with young women my age in this town and it.is.just.ridiculous.  They're all, "yeah I'm married but I like this guy I used to know back in high school", and "can you watch so-and-so for a minute? I need to take a leak and go have a ciggie". I don't know quite how to describe my situation without sounding like a complete snob.

Maybe that's what's missing. Maybe I am a complete snob and I haven't caught onto it yet.

I feel that I have nothing in common with anyone who lives in this area. I suppose it's the epidemic of any small town....not enough culture or open-mindedness or room to grow.  If you don't fit in this box I carry around then you're shit out of luck.

So weeks go by and I don't receive a single phone call from anyone at all just wondering how Brittany's doing. Because, let's face it, there isn't anyone to do the calling. I wish I could say that my family is dependable on that note, but I'd be lying. I don't know...is it selfish of me to want someone to think of me, to just wonder if I'm doing well? I mean, I think about everyone I know, maybe too much. I even think about people I know well online because hey, they're real too and I love them and I care about them.

All day long. Vince goes to work. Hayden sometimes goes to pre-K. I do my routine. I switch it up. I get fucking bored. I switch it up again. I pissily mix a bunch of paint together until it looks like mud. I dance. I cook something. I try to ignore my phone/doorbell that no one calls/rings. I think when you're really isolated, you can only keep yourself entertained for so long before...I don't know. Before you want to run away or scream or break every plate you own.

This is what it is to be misplaced. I am a fucking island floating in the middle of a gigantic fucking ocean and I am tired of ALL THIS FRIGGIN WATER.

And I am done whining now. Thank you and have a swell day.

16 comments:

  1. uh.huh. yep.

    sorry..I'll think of something encouraging to say another time. but for now-
    yeah. I know.

    <3

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  2. it's hard, i always say i need a village. . . people used to have a village now we are just isolated, you'll figure it out i hope you get inspired very soon!

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  3. yes...where are our tribes? we didn't stop needing them because the world modernized. thanks for the love all. <3

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  4. sorry you are feeling that way! It's so hard to make/meet new friends when you aren't partying/working or going to school anymore.

    I joined a knitting/crocheting group(without knowing how to do either - but they are teaching me. They meets at a coffee shop weekly and I have met lots of great people that way, maybe you could find something like that?

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  5. Oh my gosh, I feel super lonely sometimes too. It has gotten better lately. I think a big part of that is I live in a great town with some awesome people... I just have to make time to reach out to them, which is hard for me. Usually I would rather hole up in my house and get things done, but then I realize I haven't done anything social all week. And it really isn't good for my little girl to be isolated either. I feel for you girl.

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  6. You're not whining...this is a very real thing for me too. Small town, everybody set in their ways already, nobody needs new friends. Friendships are happy accidents; that's why I hold onto the ones I've got.

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  7. Oh man.
    I totally could have written every word and emotion in this post.
    You are heard and I so wish we all lived closer to each other...Sometimes all my sanity is in my online friendships!
    wow.

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  8. thank you and i agree 100%. i wish we could all come together too. i feel such a kinship with so many of you wonderful women. it makes me sad that we're all so scattered.

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  9. as much as I love staying home with my daughter, it can be very lonely. Maybe I'm a snob too ;) I can't find my "people" I just found your blog and I love it. I hope I didn't post twice. I tried the first time but I messed it up :)

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  10. thank you <3
    nobody tells you any of this when you're pregnant...

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  11. "friendships are happy accidents" I love that!

    Brit - i love your raw honesty here. Thank you.

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  12. oh girl. I moved from a big city to a small town and hated it for sooo long. I finally have friends.. ( like minded) and real. it has taken me four years.
    Dont give up.
    You are a beautiful writer... you should really do something with this.. its a beautiful talent and your words captivate me.

    Im glad i have some down time tonight to read up.

    Be Blessed and remember that you are never alone... God hears !
    X.

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  13. *sigh*
    i know. i know i'm not alone. but it's still hard. to put yourself out there time and time again and to be met with such resistance/refusal. argh. so tough.
    but thank you so much for the compliments and the good words. <3 it's those small things that heal and help me keep moving.

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Please leave some love--remember to be kind!