Thursday, September 15, 2011

breaking up with bitchy.

There has been a lot happening over the last month or so here. Things that I'd rather not mention in the internet world. I have a fine line of what I share, one that is very loosely defined, but I definitely know it when I feel it. I know what I'll share or explain, and what I'll leave to interpretation.

So let's ignore the what and focus on who. Moi. All of what's been happening has caused me to take a deep and very scary look inward. Not even a handful of days ago, I had a realization:

I do not like who I am becoming.

I realized that I'm turning into the type of woman who, for example, instead of enjoying playing with my son, is instead worrying about cleaning up the mess of play only 5 minutes into building towers. The type of woman who incessantly nags her husband because, hey, he does things a little differently than her. The type of woman who gets annoyed when said husband is listening to music and dancing around joyfully.

I am annoyed by my husbands joy.

What?!?!? What the fuck is wrong with me? Honestly!?1

It's clear to me that I am trying to exert control over pretty much everything in my life. What I can't figure out is why.

Actually, maybe I can.

My father--completely estranged from me--recently found me on my Facebook page and sent me a friend request. I can't say I'm actually that surprised. These days, everyone has a Facebook account. I had even checked at one time to see if he was on there, floating around in cyberspace. He wasn't, not when I looked, but has once again resurfaced in my life at a completely unexpected time.

My father completely unhinges me as a person. That is the honest truth.

This man, who at no other time makes ANY effort to contact me, now wants to have a shallow internet relationship. (I'm well aware that maybe he thinks that Facebook might open up to other things, but he seems to be forgetting that HE HAS TO PICK UP A PHONE AND ACTUALLY DIAL THE NUMBERS TO CALL ME.)

Anywho...I know how scattered and weird this blog entry is and I apologize. I am scattered and weird, so what can you do?

But the above has been bothering me--very, VERY much. I seem to always step into the same box when I'm having my daddy-issues: I become controlling, unattentive, obsessed with the weirdest, most unimportant details, and bitchy. Examples?

Hmmm...oh, you know. Ridiculous crap. Like, "Hayden, put the friggin' M&M's back. You can't have them. You'll turn into an obese person." (Yes, like RIGHT NOW. Like the blueberry girl in Willy Wonka. I'm a fucking idiot.)

Or maybe my husband trying to cheer me up by taking me out for lunch or trying to joke around or tickle me. And I just respond SO well. Oh yes! You know, I marvel at my iron will when it comes to this. You could hand me a million dollars and a nanny and a new ass and I would still be a bitch.

So yes...I've been wondering what is wrong with me. Am I imbalanced? Do I have a hormonal issue? Do I consume too much animal flesh and caffeine? (Probably yes, to all three.)

It's enough. If my beautiful little boy asks me to dance with him to Lady Gaga and I refuse, simply because I just don't FEEL like it, then IT. IS. ENOUGH. I can't take myself anymore. I have been so bloody off-balance for a while now, and even though I know exactly what to do to heal myself, I haven't been doing it because I'm a sulky, LAZY ASS.

The remedies are actually pretty simple:

- stop drinking 45 cups of coffee a day. Too much coffee is known to make people extremely irritable, especially when the body is coming down off the caffeine and--BOOM!--crashes hard. One cup in the morning, then green tea or yerba mate the rest of the day.

- get back into yoga. In what reality do I live that I think yoga is not a necessity for me? I am the world's most anxious person, always tearing my cuticles apart and pacing around, and when I do yoga regularly I am actually normal. I am calm. I can think rationally. I did yoga the past two days after not doing it for, I don't know, a month and a half? I honestly wondered how I could punish myself by living without it.

- go vegan. At least for a while. I've never been a full-on vegetarian, but I do like to cleanse occasionally with an all-vegan diet. This I have not done in....I don't know. My body is fueled with the flesh and proteins of other living creatures, a lot of salt, some butter, and ginger ale for the resulting stomach cramps. Very little that is of the earth. To myself I say: Idiot woman.

- journal. Like, you know, a journal that NO ONE reads. Ever. A journal where I am free to spout even more self-indulgently than here. Where I can get it OUT. Whatever "it" might be at the moment. (Ramblings about my idiot-father? Could be!)

That's it. Simple. And I haven't been doing it. I am a moron. I am treating myself and everyone around me like crap because of my negligence. Granted, I haven't been doing it for very long, but I don't care. I was raised in an environment where, if you were tired or bored or unhappy, it gave you reason to treat everyone around you horribly, WHICH IS SUCH UTTER BULLSHIT AND I WILL NOT REPEAT THIS CYCLE.

Today was day one. I danced with my son and chased him with my "scary face" and goofed-off with him. Tonight I plan on actually shaving and seducing my husband. I might even give him a foot massage, who knows?

And--Lord please help me with this one--I am going to stop complaining. I am a blessed woman. No matter how determined I am to be unhappy, there is NO WAY around that fact. I have a home that I painted with any colors I chose. I have enough food to eat--even if there's a week here and there where we live off of pancakes and eggs and brown rice. I have a husband who isn't perfect, but who loves me so much it can make him cry openly (and who also does laundry). I have a brother who is me, if I were tall and male.

No more. No mas. I'm done. I know it sounds corny as hell, but I am breaking up with bitchy.


  1. Your entire email... just makes me want to be your friend. You dont seem weird or imbalanced. your human... flesh of this world. We are all peices of junk without Christ moving in us. I hate who I become... when Im out of the word of God... when Im on Pinterest having anxiety attacks because I want want want want.... like a greedy yucky person.

    If you had it all together... you would be dangerously unaware of your desperate need for GOD. he uses this ugliness for good.... a gentle and scry reminder.. of how sunful we are without him.

    I love yoga... and all the above you mentioned.. but remember... only God can change our heart.. we first need to totally surrender it to him. Im not preaching at you girl.. { i hope it dosent sound like it } im just trying to say.. Ive been there.. and Well.. I am still there!
    I get naggy.... and start to want to change my husband so he will be more like me... because I can be so self centered. I become annoyed that I dont have things I think I should... until I open the word... seriously rest it on my stomach... its ALIVE.---- And just weep ! God help me!

    Im praying for you. You are one step ahead of most.. being able to realize you are broken.. is the first and most important step to being fixed. Im glad I read this blog. Im better because of it too. thanks!
    I like you.

  2. I wish we could go to a yoga class together ~ and then have a cup of tea and budha bowl in some veggie cafe

    i really really do

    maybe we have to find a way to make this a happening:)


  3. Wow. So much agreement with this post... I feel stuck in that same rut right now. And also loving PPP's comment. Those are true words.

  4. Maddie: i hope so. like, DESPERATELY hope so. <3

  5. Shauna--thank you for all the kind words! if there's one thing i've been steadfast about, it's prayer. it's probably the one consistent way i take care of myself. i pray about everyyyything. but god gave me this body and i most definitely have NOT been treating it like a temple. it's time to get on that.
    and i like you too, i always have. :)

  6. Paige--why is it so hard to take care of ourselves so that we can take care of others? i can never figure it out. <3
    and yeah, shauna's great. definitely an inspiration.


Please leave some love--remember to be kind!