Monday, April 1, 2013

breathing underwater.


I promised I'd write a little about my recent life, only now I sit here not knowing what to say. This happens to me a lot. I keep stumbling over myself, realizing that nothing much new ever happens to me, and so then feeling like I have nothing to talk to people about. I suppose--really--I'm feeling bleak and insecure. I am also searching for the light like a woman possessed, anywhere I can find it, to combat the bleak and the insecure. Music, food, poetry, painting, exercise, blogs, my family, my friends.

I guess this is the business of life, isn't it? To keep all your invisible pathways and windows flung open so that the light can get in. I know this and still I shut them, shut down. I go to bed. I sit and stare out the window, not-seeing what I could see and un-knowing what I know.

Could I talk to you about my health problems? I could, maybe even should, but I don't want to. They bore me. I'm getting really fed up with this trend in my life, that the only "events" are terrible ones involving my ridiculous excuse for a body. I am fed up with myself. I almost--and I know it's melodramatic, but bear with me--feel like this, the me that all can see, is not really me. Like I've been reincarnated into this defective husk as punishment for previous sins in previous lives. I feel there is so much left inside of me and worry that it will never, ever be allowed to show.

Right now there is a lot of doing what needs done. I feed my family and get on the elliptical and take my bath. I write out my meager budget and try to paint or scribble a poem. I go outside and look at birds. I pray. I feel all the pain and the aching of my body throughout and in between and I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, sobbing the silent sobs of a person so filled with grief that they can't make a sound. And then I wash my face and reapply my mascara and go on to the next thing that needs done.

I can't think about the future anymore.

6 comments:

  1. Oh, honey. I want to help you see the light. i am sorry you are so far away. you are not being punished for prior sins. where does your heart call you? go there; there you will find light and health....even if the path seems tremendously hard. so glad you take baths and drink tea....sometimes that is all we have.

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    1. you do help, as much as you can.xo

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  2. Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time. It's always the nicest, most undeserving people that seem to be constantly be bombarded with all the crap life can throw at us. Sometimes I find a bit of perspective helps, although is sometimes hard to see. Focus on the positives. Last year my friends lost their daughter to heart failure, she was 5 years old. I sincerely don't intend to make you sader by saying that. I'm sure you have a lot of positives muddled with more problems than you deserve. My best wishes are with you

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    1. thank you. and i know...my life is not nearly as bad as some, oh how i know that. and there's a lot of life to live, even after everything. i'm just tired of living while in pain all the time; it's that simple. thank you for your kind wishes. i definitely hear what you're saying. <3

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  3. I totally understand, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope that if is temporary. Something that helped me through chronic pain was a therapist who did meditations with me to visualize the pain. I was surprised by shat I learned, and it helped me realize how much if the depression I felt was anxiety over the "what if" of the pain. Anyway, I agree that perspective helps, what if you were born in darfur? Big hugs to you!

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    1. i've been thinking about that...maybe finding someone to talk to, or someone to guide me through this journey, however long it is. i know that my situation is not at all as bad as some, and yet, i'm also beginning to know that maybe i can't deal with it all alone. maybe i'm not equipped to. thank you for commenting and caring. and yeah...thankfully not born in darfur. ughhhhh. terrible.xo

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