Monday, August 8, 2011

mommy/wife feelings.

I really enjoy mommy-blogs. Especially if the mommy's writing them are a little bit like me, creative types who paint/sew/sculpt/doodle/photograph while trying to keep their kids from the brink of insanity and also keep their husbands happy. I love seeing different parenting styles and picking up tips from mom's-who-know about rainy-day activities, and first days of school, and healthy-but-they-won't-know-that meals.

I don't see a lot of the other side though...the struggle of being a mother and wife and trying to keep everyone happy. Not perfect, but happy and functioning and on some type of schedule. And finding time to create and knowing that if you do the house is going to fall apart even more than it already is, and you just have to ignore it. Or not and go into cleaning-nazi mode and be pissed off at everyone because they aren't really chipping in that much.


I feel silly. I love my life but am so annoyed by it so much of the time. Does that makes sense? Actually, I don't just feel silly. I feel like a raging bitch a lot of the time, like I have snakes writhing around all over my head. Hayden don't do that, Hayden don't do that, Hayden stop touching that, Hayden you can't have that right now, no no no, honey, please don't give him that, honey he can't have ice-cream right now, I'm putting dinner on the table. And on it goes. I think I get tired of being the one who scolds alllllllllll the time. If I had a native american name it would be She-Who-Yells-With-The-Scratchy-Throat.

Sometimes though--miracle of miracles--both the husband and the boy are gone at the same time. I KNOW. And then I'll finish up the laundry, and put the final touches on that painting that's been sitting in my studio for about 2 weeks untouched, or I'll go on a sewing marathon, or I'll go for a really long run, or I'll go away and won't tell anyone where I'm going or that I've even been anywhere in the first place. And it feels so good, sometimes I just get down on my knees and thank God for the solitude.

The funny part of this is that usually, no more than two or three hours into being alone, I start to miss them. I start to get lonely and distracted and a little bothered by the silence in the house. I have to laugh because when I'm in the thick of the madness, when it's been one thing after another for what seems like forever, I'll say, "Oh my God, what I wouldn't give for a week to myself."

But I wouldn't even last a week.


  1. thanks for being honest! sometimes I feel, as a mom, my life has been destroyed. of course that's not really true, because I have acquired so much beauty and depth through raising my daughter... but even so, in those stupid little moments where they are pushing your stupid little buttons, and the patience just doesn't work anymore....argh! I think most of my anger comes from feeling my life is so boxed in my motherhood. No more spontaneous travel, or even spontaneous trips to the store! Everything requires so many steps and so much baggage. Ugh. Just want a little Zen peace and quiet... but then... the thought of her being gone too long makes me miss her crazy!

  2. Oh trust me, I have many a days like these. I tend to not write too much on them, just a bit here and there just because well, people get sick of hearing it after a while BUT a well written funny look at life like this is sometimes needed. I'm usually drowning in cleaning, losing my mind trying to take care of Leena while Joey is gone, etc but mainly I just don't write too much about it because I don't want people to feel sorry for me. You are NOT alone.

  3. sarah--yes!!! it's amazing. if i want to go to the grocery store or the library i have to arrange it with everyone. meanwhile, my husband just goes because hey, he's the bread and butter. why do i feel like it isn't quite the same for us?
    children are a burden and a blessing.

  4. kat--i'm starting to realize that blogs are a happy place for a lot of people, maybe the one place they try NOT to record the stress. i understand that, for sure, but sometimes it makes me with all my "feelings" look a little insane. ha!
    and i know i'm not alone. i know. <3

  5. Bee- this is a wonderful post. thank you for coming to my blog lately and commenting. i resonate with these feelings so much, and often feel that as a blogger i should share more of that part of my world, too. the difficulty of motherhood, the beautiful, ironic tragedy that motherhood is....the loss of our freedom but the gift of the deepest love. Sigh. maybe soon i will do that.

    XO sadie rose

  6. sadie--i know i would love to hear what you have to say about this subject. you have a beautiful soul. <3


Please leave some love--remember to be kind!