a hot mess.

This may or may not be a hot mess of a post. I have so much to say, but haven't decided if I'm going to say all of it. So I'm winging it, as usual.

I haven't really updated my readers (if I actually have any) on the status of my health. In an effort to keep it short, I'll give you the condensed version. I had minor surgeries and injections on my neck for basically the entire summer. My most recent procedure was just over a week ago. In an effort to find a procedure that gives me real results, I've had to go through all the ones that haven't first. It's difficult to tell if I'm seeing improvements. I feel just a bit better for just a few more days here and there, but it's still spotty and impossible to pin down in any discernible pattern. My neck is still highly irritated after exercising or practicing yoga or any remotely strenuous activity, something that I'm unconvinced will ever change. I've recently had the realization that I may never not feel like crap, which has fostered in me both acceptance and depression. I didn't think those two things could live together, but there you go. I've been put on a very low-dose anti-anxiety medication. I sort of waved my white flag, finally, and took what help was offered to me. I can no longer handle everything on my own steam, my own prayers, my own pep-talks. There are very few words left for prayer or pep-talks these days; I'm wiped out.

The husband is mostly at work. Or always, depends on which day you ask. September was absolutely brutal. High school sports photography + fall season = insanity. And not the kind that gives you killer abs. More like the kind of insanity where every day looks eerily similar to the day before and the day before that and so on. The madness will soon die down, both medical and work related, thank heavens.

If I sound whiny, I apologize, because I very well might be whining. I think we all need to whine a bit sometimes.

I'm stressed out.

Oh, also, my brother is getting married next week. Yes. So I've been planning and crafting my butt off for that in the midst of all the procedure-y, sporty stuff. I almost forgot.

On a different and mildly new-age note: I'm proud of myself in at least one way, which is that I've been doing what you are probably supposed to do as a human being to combat all this stress and crazy. I've somehow managed to make good, simple meals with lots of fresh, organic produce, and have even found some solace in cooking and making a beautiful dish. It's something that I can do. I drink my green shake (almost) every day and my tumeric tea. I'm trying to stay away from caffeine and get enough rest. I do some form of exercise every day, even if it's just a 20 minute walk. I've been doing my barre work and have been consistently practicing my yoga, but have had to tweak my routine quite a few times. There are certain poses that I just can't do right now or are very unsafe for me to even attempt. I meditate. I pray. I wake up early to read my Bible or simply watch the sun come up. I've let go of people that I feel are a negative influence, and have surrounded myself with those who strengthen me.

I guess I'm learning to overpower the negative with the positive, something that--guess what?--takes a lot of practice, just like anything else.

What else? Let's see...Hayden is a splendid child, and I mean that non-sarcastically. I delight in him. And my husband. I am learning to delight in the ones I love. My cup runneth over, and all that. Even on the worst days, I recognize that I am blessed.

I want to go to school. I want to be a midwife, but feel unready for that particular load of work right now. Any suggestions, my lovelies?

I want to have another baby. Not right this second, but V. and I have talked about it and are watching for that moment, the moment, when we'll know it's time.

I'm starting to actually enjoy myself while knitting, instead of literally grinding my teeth while I count stitches. Again with the practice.

I'm addicted to Pinterest.

I'm going to paint my kitchen bright-ass yellow, very soon.

I'm reading Gone With the Wind.

xo